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01:18pm 11/03/2005
mood: excited
well...tonight was weird...i don't remember much, it's all kind of blurry in my mind..i fell asleep, then..not sure if this was an oobe or a dream or something else, but i was semi-conscious, sitting on my bed, it was dark in my roon, but there was some light coming through the door, then i saw a cat sitting there, it was just like the cat i had in russia...then there was a person sitting on the floor, i knew he/she was somehow connected to the cat, i mean it was a cat in a human form...the person was dressed in black leather jaket and black pants, it was both male and female, kinda androgynous looking crature..it had long dark hair too. The person jumped on my bed a few times, just like cats do...then i don't remember what happened...After that i definately had a dream..there was a blond girl, i told her about the cat and she said she'll take me to see someone. We were on the beach, so we got into a boat and crossed the river, then we were in a building, it looked like an american school...the girl introduced me to a man, he was about 29-32 years old, he had ginger hard and was wearing a long black coat. He was really nice( the girl was nice too) and i told him what happened in my bedroom with the cat and other paranomal things, but he said that because he doesn't rememberabout(or stopped practising) OOBE's and can't really help me, but he'll try, i should just give him sometime to think....but then i woke up=/
so i was wondering if my cat died, and if it was possible for it's spirit(if animals have souls) to visit me in a dream....i just can't think of other explanation....
anyway, this morning my mum's boyfriend brought a lot of food from his job: Chocolate cakes, those pro-biotic drinks, milk, pizzas etc..lol=)
i need to go and clean the rest of the house...before Dane sees all this mess, i guess it doesn't matter that much,...and tommorrow i'll need to make myself look pretty hehe..=) wash my hair, make it straight etc
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03:24am 10/03/2005
mood: relaxed
yesterday was ok, i woke up a lot later than usual..actually i've ben sleeping a lot lately, like 9 or 10 hours =/..for breakfast i had just 1 toast with black currant jam on it, which was nice i guess =)
my mum went shopping again..bought a lot of useless stuff lol...and i had to iron everything she washed, which is A LOT, but it's ok i don't mind doing it..=)
..i really have to start cleaning soon..lol i'm so lazy...:P
then in the afternoon we were making pancakes..she made one with black raisins, and we called it a gothic pancake =)
then i was online for a few hours, after that i watched TV and helped to make dinner...Her boyfriend's friend came over to have dinner with us. Today someone else is coming over lol...i think it's some russian people=)
..that should be interesting=)
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12:47pm 03/03/2005
mood: cheerful
Last night i slept for more than 9 hours, and still was a little tired...=/ but it was nice anyway =)I think i woke up right before my mum went to bed lol...it feels weird waking up before someone goes to bed...=)
For breakfast i ate pasta...which i don't usually do, but i guess it's because i wake up so early..usually at 3 so by the time it's 7 am, i'm really really hungry..don't know if it's good or not.
Msn was being weird all day today...don't know what's wrong with it...also i downloaded that Netscape thing,i think it's pretty good, but i've not got used to using it though...
Tomorrow me my mum and her boyfriend will go somewhere for a day..usually i would say no and stay home, but 1) the time will go really fast 2) nice food...so i'll go...i think we're going at about 8-9 am, i'm not sure...
Now i'm making lunch...just went to put a pizza in the oven...and after that i will go to a town, not far away from where i live and look for a volunteer job or training course..or something like that+ i have to buy a present for my mum's boyfriend, so that should be interesting....=/
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06:01pm 26/02/2005
mood: okay
nothing interesting happened today =/.... i woke up at 3 am, which was pretty late for me lol :)...my mum just went ot bed....I was online until 8 am, then i went to have a bath...i love having baths in the morning, actually a bath at any time of the day is nice=))) i had brakfast..i was still angry at my mum, but not as much...i can't be angry at someone for a long time, especially if there's no reason to get angry, she won't understand anyway...oh well
Then i was cleaning the kitchen..i always find cleaning relaxing for some reason, or if i'm angry, it really helps me to calm down =)...after that i had to clean my room...=/
then i went back online for a few hours...well 9 hours to be honest lol =) and now i have a really bad headache...oh well, it's my own fault, i shouldn't have spent so much time online....
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06:07pm 25/02/2005
mood: angry
today was ok....my mum and her boyfriend went out somewhere and i stayed at home..
.....when they came back, they started arguing...it sounded really serious, i was in the next room so it made me feel weird....then she started to cry, and that's when i felt completely depressed and i couldn't help her in any way......i know she's been through a lot in relationships and after what her english ex-husband did to her, i don't think she can trust anyone again...so i totally understood why she felt like that......it was sooo depressing and scary..nearly started crying as well lol...i've not seen her crying in ages...and it just shocked me i guess
i was thinking stupid things like :" my knife should be in this room somewhere...."..i found it...the blade was broken, but it was still sharp...i didn't do anything though, just looked at it....
I don't really know what happened between them.....they just didn't want to listen to each other...and i didn't know what to do...........
then she walked into my room(i quickly put the knife under the bed) with tears in her eyes, and she was SMILING..she sat on the floor and said that she pretended she was upset...she only cried because she wanted him to realize something....so basically it was all an act!.........i'm so angry right now....what about how i feel? i thought she was crying because she was really upset....i thought it was serious....i can't believe she did that...i know i wouldn't have cut myself, but still...i wish she would stop playing mind-games with me as well as him.............i don't even want to be near her,or talk to her right now.......
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01:30pm 24/02/2005
mood: blank
today is pretty boring...i woke up at 3 am, was online til 7am, scanned my comp for viruses, there was no viruses this time though:) then i wen to have a bath, before my mum's boyfriend returns from work...because he usually wants to have a bath in the morning as well, and we have a weird heating system in our house, so it's complicated....=/
It's still snowing outside, but there only about 4-5 cm of snow, and it's not even on the road because it's melting fst...and everyone is panicking lol =)))
....got a PM from Black_Noise, on Lovehate forum =))))))))))))))..i pm'ed him yesteday saying i'm back, and this time i won't disappear on him like i did last time...i've note been on lovehate for about 9 months, i'm glad he still remember's me though....i need to reply later...
....i need to dye my hair..i even bought the dye, but i just left it on the shelf in the bathroom somewhere,,,
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10:01am 23/02/2005
  this morning i woke up late...well it was late for me, at about 4am (and i went to bed at 8), read new posts on a few forums...i even did that questionare thing, i did one like that before, but this one was longer i think=)
One goth.net forum there was a discussion about paganism, well one girn needed some information on it...i told her to pm me, and she did...i tried to explain about paganism as much as i could...but i don't know, i hope it will make sense to her.
That reminds me...1st of march is the celebration of death (kind of of like a small death festival) in slavic pagan tradition..so, i guess i should find out about it more...
This morning it was snowing!!!=)))) it was a really nice morning and i opened the windows again, but my mum told me to close them, oh well=)
....now i kinda feel weird...=/ ummm....coz at the moment my mum and her boyfriend are having sex in the next room, the worst thing is i was listening to music so i didn't have to hear them...but now my winamp player dosen't work for some reason =/ i must say the walls are thin and they don't seem to care wether i notice or not...brrrr..anyway, i won't talk about it...
I wonder why i can't get the winamp to work...i click on the icon-nothing happens..everything else works..weird...=( now i can't listen to my favourite gothic radio station =(((
Yesterday i went to 2 interviews..one was at the police station and the second one in university.
I dodn't pass the police test..it was really simple, they were just checking spelling and maths....i really din't know how i could get those questions wrong...=/and after the test we were all in one room(about 20 people) waiting for the results and they just said that me and one other girl didn't pass..and everyone looking at us...it made me feel so uncomfortable=(((...but i'll get over it i guess, they said i can apply again in 6 months, but i'm not sure i want to...=/
....at least the interview at uni went well, so hopefully i'll start in September....i'll get paid as well for going to uni, so i guess that's good...:)
04:24am 22/02/2005
  ....ok, so i was really bored...and on a goth forum they had a fetish test...and yeah, i decided to take it..........mmmmmmmm....i shouldn't have done that, especially before the interview, coz now i'm imagining things. But i guess there are good aspects to it as well=)...it was VERY accurate plus there were things i didn't know about myself..well, i did but i didn't realize it i guess....
Other than that i've not done anything....i had a dream about my friend again...maybe i should phone her, i just hope nothing bad happened....
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02:49pm 21/02/2005
mood: relaxed
woke up at 3 am...then i thought i should go back to sleep, but i couldn't, so i went online until 7:30am.I went to the bathroom...there was a small spider in the bath, but i didn't kill it, i just left it there =) so then o opened the window(while standing in the edge of the bath)..took a few breaths of fresh air, and then it brought back all memories from when i was in russia. The air in the morning is kind of different...i could tell if it's early morning without even opening my eyes, by just breathing in the air. So i went to the kitchen and opened the back door...made some tea, and i was just standing there on the door step, completely hypnotyzed...don't know how to explain it, but it's like i was absorbing energy or something lol..i was absolutely freezing, but really happy(it was a different kind of happiness though) and energetic.
...when i was in russia, we went to visit my mum's friends...they are very rich and they built a hotel in the middle of the forest, and they have a house there as well..we stayed with them for a couple of days, and i used to go for a walk in the morning..and it was really good(it was so much better than just good, but it's hard to explain)......Unfortunately when the morning is over, at about 10-11am, i become melancholic and a lot less "alive"...i wish i could just go to bed at that time and wake up in the early morning, but that's impossible:( Plus my mum and her boyfriend were arguing again..i don't understand..it's nornal for them, but really makes me feel bad and uncomfortable..=(

I went to buy a black hair dye today....i was thinking, maybe i should dye it a different colour this time, but black goes with every colour so...=)
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04:11pm 20/02/2005
mood: melancholy
...yesterday my mum's friends visited us:)...they are so funny, but i won't say anything, because only a russian person can understand it =)....i was drinking beer with them and then one of them was trying to make me drink red wine, but i knew that if i start mixing, it will be really bad =/ My mum cooked some russian food, which she doesn't cook very often...she only does it when someone visits us....i hepled her to make pancakes...
I went to bed at about 9 pm, which is pretty late for me ..LOL...but i'm trying to change my sleeping hours so i will go to bed later :)
I had a dream about my best friend, which was nice i guess....actually i need to reply to her latter...she wrote me in January i think and i've not replied since =/
For breakfast i ate the rest of the pancakes and tea...then i went back online, and was online until now, which is about7 hours....plus 4 hours from when i woke up til breakfast...that's 11 hours online altogether=/
When Dane will move to england, i will definately spend a lot less time online...i don't really like it, but what else am i going to do...i want to go out and do something, but going out on my own is just boring+i'm not very social:(
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03:08pm 19/02/2005
mood: confused
yesterday i went to bed late..at about 12 (which is late for me =P)....hehe, my mum even said not ot get up at 3 am like i usually do....as if i would do that..i know i'm addicted to the internet, but i'm not THAT crazy.
So i got up at 6:30 am...didn't have any dreams last night, probably because i was really tired. I was online til about 8 and then i went to wash my hair...it looks nice today i suppose, the most important thing is not to be lazy and blow-dry it. Breakfast was ok...then my mum asked me to iron clothes...she absolutely hates ironing, so i had to do it.
I really wanted to go online but my mum's boyfriend was on the computer..it's so annoying and i can't say anything to him....but he eventually got off the computer and went to have a bath and i was talking to Dane...lol, i even switched on my web cam, it was quite slow though....kfz finally regestered on MM, i had to register his user name for him, because there was something wrong with his e-mail address, and he didn't get a password before...he'll probably post a lot, which should be interesting...
I'm in a strange mood today..it's not depressing or happy..just different i guess...don't know how to explain it to be honest...
Later tonight my mum's russian friends will visit us...she was cooking some russian food for them before. We went to thier house a few weeks ago and they seem like nice people...so it should be nice...:)
4:21pm- i was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffe...my mum is out shopping, Simon-sleeping....so i was just sitting there and thinking...reminded me of when i was little. We had a very small kitchen in one of our flats in russia..but it was nice. My mum is a person, who has a lot of charisma..and she had lots of friend, someone came over to our place almost every day. Her friends would just come in withought phoning her first. ..and they were always sitting in the kitchen, smoking, talking and drinking coffe...and i was with them, listenening to their conversations, they didn't mind because i was a really quiet child. I loved it...felt like i was a part of it, but at the same time i wasn't....so i always assosiate kitchens with something safe and warm...and also with black coffe and cigarets=)
while i was thinking there and thinking i noticed that my mum put some icons on the wall...it doesn't bother me really, but she lights a candle everyday before going to bed..but she does it automatically withought really beliving, and that really annoys me, because she claims to be a christian, but she isn't But the good thing is-she put my favourite icon...i love church art, but it's rare when i see a very original painting....but this one is absolutely beautifil(to me it is). This summer, when we went to russia, we went to an old monastry, and there were old women selling small icons, candles,holy water etc....i was just looking at it, and i saw that icon..it caught my eye instantly....the painting itself is very simple, i hate how in churches they have very complicated drawings,on one icon there can be hundreds of different things if you look closer...that's what i hate..too much details, it looks like a mess and it's confusing. But the icon i bought i really simple....it's nothing special really, but there's something about it...i think it's a painting of a woman(i doubt it's a Virgin Mary though) she has really interesting facial features, she's dressed in blue and red and she's holding a cloth strip..there's a blue background and little agels, but that's not important...every time i look at it, it makes me feel weird....i wonder who drew it, i'd love to see more paintings of that person..maybe there's a signature somewhere, i'll look for it later...
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10:57am 18/02/2005
  i woke up at 2 am, switched the light on, went online....there was no one on msn, so i left it on, but i fell asleep. Then i had a sleep paralysis...i could see everything that was going on around me, but i couldn't move. There was a blond guy in my room...he didn't even look at me...like i didn't exist...he was just standing there, with a plate in his hands eating something...and....watching my TV....i wasn't shocked, because i was only semi-conscious.Then someone else walked into my room...it was a woman that looked like my mum, actually i thought it was my mum, but she was slimmer and had dark hair where as my mum has blond highlights and she's almost blond. This woman sat next to me on my bed...she kind of leaned towards me, and i could almost see her face close to mine, but at that point everything became blurry....she knew what was happening to me, so she just touched my face and tried to wake me up...i think she said to that guy that i'm in sleep paralysis, but he kept watching TV and didn't reply....hehe..that's just so typical...
The woman didn't seem to be surprized, but was a little worried about me...she wasn't encouraging me to get out of the body or wake up immediately,but she was very gentle and nice..and i wasn't panicing or struggling to get out of that paralysed state. i'm sure if i turned my head a little to the left, i could see my computer and msn window on it..=)
When i was in my normal state again everything was normal again....
....i didn't want to think about it but later i did and my first thought was....how selfish can spirits be? i mean that guy watching TV in my room, eating and just behaving like he was at home.....and completely ignoring me, that really annoyed me, if he's dead it doesn't mean he can do anything wants....grrrrrrr......that's just unbelivable....who does he think he is????.....i'm not angry though, because experiencing a sleep paralysis can be scary and mine wasn't so i guess i'm lucky...i wonder if they were spirit guides, probably not...=/
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04:09pm 12/02/2005
mood: depressed
..i hate today....i was fine in the morning, almost happy...i washed my hair, had breakfast, then i was drawing...the picture itself wasn't very good, but drawing made me feel kind of more relaxed, then as soon as i finished, the good mood disapperared completely....now i just feel really depressed and angry for some reason,my mum didn't notice it,which is a good thing...she was busy getting ready to go shopping.
So i'm on my own right now...i usually like being on my own, but today..i don't know just don't care about it i guess
On msn i was talking to someone and he asked me to send him that picture i was drawing..so i did..he said it was good, but he's probably lying so...
anyway i better go....
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03:34pm 11/02/2005
mood: cheerful
Today was i ok a i guess.....i was really worried about something my mum's frined said.So then in the morning i phoned my local health centre and made an appiontment to see a doctor...hehe.i'm proud of myself, because i actually used the phone..lol...i'm always so nervous about speaking to people on the phone...=/
I had to be there in an hour...i decided not to use the bus and walked there.The doctor was nice...though she kept asking me if i it's possible that i could be pregnant, and it was annoying...she perscribed me some tablets, and said if they won't help then i will have to come back..=/
When i came haome i got a 2 letters, one was from my best friend in Russia, she said the had weird dream about me lol...she told me to bring lots of photos when i'll come to russian, and especially a photo of me and Tim....he kept saying that he knows my friend, and she says she never heard of him...lol that was so confusing last summer....but if i'll go this year i'll never speak to Tim and his friend again, after what they've done..but it doesn't matter=) the second letter was from University, they inviting me for an interview..lol..that's 3 interviews in a month =/, before i really didn't want to go to university...but i guess i'm changing my mind now...it won't be that bad, and it's only three years, and then i'll be able to get a proper job and finally move out of my mums flat and buy my own place to live=)))) that would be so good, i won't have to listen to their arguments anymore lol=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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07:03am 10/02/2005
mood: Empty
7:24am my dreams became even more weird...=/...now i started dreaming about my phobias, 2 days go i was dreaming about going to the dentist(it is really the worst thing for me..and i have panic attaks in the waiting room quite often)so i was standing in a doorway, and there was a big room and a few chairs, in one of them there was a woman,and i was just whatching what the dentist did..there was also a leaflet saying that now, they can replace a filling in the tooth, without getting rid off the old one(that's just not possible in the real world)....i was also thinking if i should actually go in there or not, and of course i didn't go... Tonight i had a dream about spiders...i was clibbing up the ladder and on the top of the roof there were a lot of people waiting for me..there was a couple of steps left, but on the last step i saw a spider(it was a little one..) and i started to panic one of the guys, stretched out his hand to help me, but i was too scared to take his hand lol....that's where the dream finished....
so basically dreams forming some sort of pattern now (or maybe not...i'm not sure)....
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12:27pm 09/02/2005
mood: peaceful
12:32pm last night i slept for more than 9 hours, but when i woke up i still tired...i got up, switched the light on,signed on to msn...and fell asleep lol(i was still in bed when i was using the laptop), then an hour later someone set me a message, and i woke up from incoming message sound lol=)
And from 9 am util now i've been trying to get rid off all the viruses on my comp, and i couldn't even use msn :(....but it looks like everything is ok now=)
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05:58pm 07/02/2005
mood: angry
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...i just wrote a big post then i got disconncted and when i reloaded the page, it was gone =((((((((((((((((

so i'm not writing it all over again!!!! =P
01:24pm 06/02/2005
mood: ill but happy
1:24pm well, i still have a stomachache...it was worse the morning...didn't really eat anything, actually i'm on a diet of tea and painkillers. My mum gave me 3 tablets 2 small yellow ones(which tasted really horrible) and the other tablet was absolutely huge! i don't know how people who make them expect people to swallow them without choking...
Then i was watching TV(the pills worked and i felt better) and there was this program about people creating different cool things from ice...they even built small, really nice buildings...i wish i could be so creative oh well...=)
....oh yeah, i nearly forgot...i got a haircut yesterday, it doesn't look too different from the one i had before, but it just looks nicer...now i just need to dye the roots of the hair black....
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03:29am 05/02/2005
mood: sad
3:48am ARRRRGH!!!..i'm in real pain right now, my stomach hurts, i feel like i'm being repeatedly stabbed with a knife...it's "that time of the month" and there's nothing i can do about it....guys are so lucky that they don't have to go though it, or give birth..that's really not fair!!!!=(((((((((
right now i'm in the icq music chatroom (i know, i know, it's the worst chatroom ever)..but i have nothing better to do..there's no one on line on msn, so i have to talk to very narrow minded people in a chatroom...but it's not that bad, at least i don't concentrate on pain as much/...
10:19 am- LOL..i think my mum has gone mad...ok, she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her, they met online and now he's living with us, but she gets paranoid every time he usus computer... so this morning she asked ME to "keep an eye" on him...i can't believe she actually asked me to spy!!!! why should i? it's got nothing to do with me!....i'm not even angry at her anymore, but it's really funny....
..oh yeah, i nearly forgot..i had a dream about my grandma again=/ she was pretty angry at me for some reason..i wonder if it actually means something. My grndparents died a few years ago, but even though i don't really think about them, i see them in dreams quite often...i only saw my grandad twice i think, and i see my grandma more often...Especially in september, i had dreams about them every other day and they were important..in one of those dreams my grandad told me something important, and if it is true, it's really good...so i'm kind of confused (to all experienced lucid dreamers and OOBE explorers:i need help with this!)
Just before i went online, i got a letter from the police recruitment centre, and they invited me for an interview!!!!!!!(this is what i've been waiting for =))) ) so i'm going on 22nd of February, and i will have to do some written tests....i guess they want to see if i can write and count. These written tests should be fine, i'm not worried about them...i just hope fitness tests will be easy...
that's it for now...i'll go to have a haircut later, and i wil let you know how it went lol =)
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09:02am 04/02/2005
mood: tired
9:30-this morning(night=/ ) i woke up at about 1:30am, then i went back to bed and woke up at 3 and from 3 to 8 am i was talking to people online....I think i'm going to delete ICQ..too many people i don't know, add me and send me messges..and sometimes is really annoying, like this morning a guy from China added me, and was using me as dictionary lol..i had to tell him what some words ment, and correct his mistakes(he asked me to do that)....grrrr.....
later i will need to look for jobs in the newspaper..and apply to places..
13:32..made salad for dinner, then talked to Dane, and it was really good,but only now i realised how weird i was for the last couple of weeks...i don't know i guess i was a lot more distant...don't know if he noticed or not, but it doesn't matter, i'm fine now =))) (yeah, i know you'll read it, but i'm supossed to be honest about how i feel in this livejournal thing so...=P)
People on icq, keep adding me....!!!!GRRRRRRRRRRR...and i keep blocking them......one guy was even selling viagra online LOL =))))))))))
I'm really really hungry at the moment, but i 'll wait until my mum and Simon will get back..
......oh yeah, yesterday my mum had a new haircut, and it looks really good i want it too...it's hard to explain, because i don' know the proper name for that style, but i'll take pics later:)..it won't be too different, just the ends won't be straight, but they will be like in layers or something....so that should be good....
6:07pm- ok, it's official now, i'm getting a new haircut tommorow...and it will be nothing like i described previously....it will be really different=P...so i'm going to the salon tomorrow morning...i really hope it will suit me...i'm kind of nervous a little, but i guess hair stylists know what they doing =))...wish me luck lol.....
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